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Is Reinstating a Misogynist 1864 Law Bad for Our Brand? “Meet the ‘pursuer of nubile young females’ who helped pass Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.” — Washington Post – – – We here at the GOP take values very seriously. We try to project a certain image to the public so that they’ll associate us with morality. So, it’s time for us to ask an important question. Is reinstating this misogynist 1864 law wri…

Chronicles of a Catsitter: My Human Went to “Greece” and Left Me with This Person Who Doesn’t Give Me Treats Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuroses. From home vet visits to black eyes to refugee cats, Chronicles…

Arizona Law from 1864, Law from Middle-earth, or Anti-Crime Code of Mega-City One from Judge Dredd? “The Arizona Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a 160-year-old near-total abortion ban still on the books in the state is enforceable, a bombshell decision that adds the state to the growing lists of places where abortion care is effectively banned.” — NBC – – – 1. Property Statue 32: Successions of power must follow equal primogeniture, meaning t…

The Flu My Four-Year-Old Brought Home for Spring Break Addresses My Hope of Not Catching It Whaddup. It’s the flu your four-year-old brought home for spring break. Are you gonna let me in or what? You’re hoping I leave you alone? You booked a family trip to Wolf Lodge Water Park? The deposit is nonrefundable? Listen, I just KO’ed two dozen preschoolers like complimentary chips and dip at Casa Azteca, and now I want my entrée, capisce? …

Short Conversations with Poets: Callie Siskel Callie Siskel’s Two Minds is neither minimalist nor maximalist, but the spareness and efficiency speak volumes—and sometimes speak in long lines, sometimes short—making an art of saying as little as possible, but crucially no less. What’s left out presses upon what remains, and what remains is both substantial and hard as stone. Here’s the begin…

A Support Group for People Whose Friends Have Moved to Los Angeles Millennials mill around a circle of chairs and a coffee station. They settle into seats and begin the weekly meeting of people whose friends have all moved to Los Angeles. This group is known as “We Have Yearning (for Those Who Moved to) Los Angeles” or WHYLA. FACILITATOR KERRY: Good morning. Thank you all for coming—and for continuing to suppo…

I Am Your Thirty-Fourth Browser Tab, Begging You to Reopen Me My dearest one, my sweetheart, my everything, I call to you from the far right-hand side of the browser window. Well, not the far right-hand side, a little to the left of it, near the tab for “The Only Cheese Fondue Recipe You’ll Ever Need,” which is a white box with a red E in it—if you find that, go two to the left, and I’m here. Calling to yo…

Sorry Not Sorry: Stephen Colbert Found His Own Line with Kate Middleton A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. – – – Late last month, Stephen Colbert made an unusual statement on The Late Show. It wa…

Character in a Dystopian YA Novel or Homeopathic Remedy My Mom Gave Me That Didn’t Fucking Work? Allium Cepa A homeopathic remedy used to treat symptoms of the common cold and allergies. It would also work nicely as the name of a kind, older woman in a YA dystopian novel who is deathly allergic to scientifically backed medicine. Arnica A homeopathic remedy used to treat muscle aches. To be fair, this one kind of works. But for the love of G…

You Can Try Sample Questions from the New SATs or You Can Hit Yourself Over the Head Repeatedly with This Plumber’s Wrench You may have heard the news that high schoolers will have to take the SATs if they plan to attend college. The temporary break from standardized tests is over. The New York Times recently posted an interactive test featuring a few questions from the reading and writing section of the SATs. If you haven’t needed to take a standardized test for th…

An Excerpt from Eli Burnstein’s Dictionary of Fine Distinctions – – – Swamp or bog? Guilt or shame? Club soda or sparkling water? From food to fashion, ethics to architecture, there are thousands of words and ideas that we tend to collapse, conflate, or confuse. For hairsplitters and language lovers, Tendency contributor Eli Burnstein’s Dictionary of Fine Distinctions: Nuances, Niceties, and Subtle Shades of…

So You’ve Knocked Over a Row of a Motorcyle Gang’s Motorcycles, Again From 2006 to 2016, Sarah Walker offered excellent and specific instructions for essential activities of everyday life, like bullfighting and performing tracheotomies. Thanks to her, our standards of living were improved by 100 percent. Today, to help celebrate our twenty-five (and a half) years of online existence, she returns with more valuable…

I Am Batman, and I Will Restore Order to Gotham by Pulverizing a Man Robbing a Convenience Store to Feed His Starving Family For far too long, the streets of Gotham have been plagued by chaos. Crime never sleeps. Thugs hide in the shadows, waiting to strike like snakes. Never mind the capitalist structures that produce deep and devastating forms of poverty, forcing the desperate lower class to resort to crime in order to survive. Gotham is in danger, and it is my duty…

Been There, Smelled That: Climate Change Is Destroying What You Smell Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making. – – – My dad …

Words of Wisdom Written on Tea Bags by a People Pleaser (Totally Okay If You Don’t Read Them) 1. If you give love, you will get love. But, no pressure—only if you want to! 2. Peace starts inside you. And if you can’t get it to start, I can give you mine instead. Would be happy to! 3. Love is the greatest gift, though I’m sure any gift from you would be amazing. And if you didn’t get me a gift, that’s totally okay, too. I probably made it…

I’m the Draft List at This Brewery and No, You Can’t Have a Light Beer Hey man, welcome to our brewery. I’m gonna be your draft list today. The first thing you should know about me is this: I’m approachable. I believe beer is for everyone. If that means I’m a draft list without a single beer that tastes like beer, then hell yeah, brother—that’s what it’s all about. You seem like the type of guy who’s lookin’ to sip…

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Ignored the White Gaze Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enough, she’d achieve them. The small catch was that Walker’s dream was …

The 2044 Election Is the Most Important Election of Our Lifetimes Hello, It’s the Democrats. The 2044 election is fast approaching, and we need your support now more than ever. It is the most important election of our lifetimes. We know it feels like we’re always saying that this presidential election is the most important election of our lifetimes. But we wouldn’t be saying that if it wasn’t true each and eve…

Parents’ Most Common Stress-Induced Recurring Nightmares About Spirit Week 1. Spirit Week continues into perpetuity. No theme will ever be repeated, and your children will need unique costumes every day for the rest of their lives. 2. Out of nowhere, you have another child you have no memory of giving birth to. He’s in third grade, and tomorrow is the first day of Spirit Week. He tells you he needs a toga to wear to sc…

Can I Interest You in a Brand-New Sparkling Water Brand? Hi, I’m wondering if I could interest you in a brand-new sparkling water brand. I don’t have a name for it, because it doesn’t yet exist. Every aspect of this product is still very early in the planning stage. But I can assure you that the name will probably be something fun and catchy, like Zoinks or Floop. Now that I hear it out loud, we’ll pr…