#Funny

Schedule of Speakers for the 2024 Republican National Convention

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Schedule of Speakers for the 2024 Republican National Convention Monday, July 15 9:00 p.m. The Banshees of the Bottomless Abyss wail the national anthem. 9:05 p.m. Axuloth, Slayer of Mortals, lays out his plan to stop the Great Replacement. 9:20 p.m. Arizona Senate candidate and election truther Kari Lake explains that Joe Biden couldn’t have won Wisconsin in 2020 because “Wisconsin” isn’t a real place. 9:40 …

McSweenys 856 2024-07-13

What France and America Know About Each Other

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What France and America Know About Each Other They’re arrogant. They don’t like us very much. It’s more or less okay to apply preconceived blanket statements to this country. They think they’re cooler than we are. Friends greet each other with a gesture that’s weirdly intimate. More sex happening over there. More dynamic food scene. They have a cheese that’s somehow both liquid and solid at…

McSweenys 1.2k 2024-07-12

For Sale: Giant Casino in Economically Depressed, Opioid-Plagued City

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For Sale: Giant Casino in Economically Depressed, Opioid-Plagued City It turns out that building a humongous casino in a small city next to a mid-sized river, nowhere near a big city, the ocean, the desert, or good weather, excludes you from the “destination” designation. This means not many people want to come to lose their money in your oversized sucker palace. Clearly, we were overly optimistic with our revenue…

McSweenys 927 2024-07-12

The Independent Voter: An Ethnographic Study

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The Independent Voter: An Ethnographic Study Independents once lived only in prairies and deserts in the United States. Today, they thrive almost anywhere there are ranches, farms, or ultimate Frisbee courses. Sometimes, they even live among people. It may seem charming when you spot one sitting on the fence, but don’t forget that Independents can siphon off your electoral resources, witho…

McSweenys 1.2k 2024-07-11

Lady Macbeth Urges Biden to Drop Out

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Lady Macbeth Urges Biden to Drop Out Hie thee hither that I might pour my spirits in thine ear On all that impedes thee from the Oval Room. Thane Axelrod summoned me today to betray my nature But follow my sense, when I say, my liege: What’s done is done. The enterprise is shot. In the past, thou hast found in me a woman of fell purpose But, my Lord, screw your courage. We could f…

McSweenys 737 2024-07-11

The Secret of Ancestor Fields Farm Is Our Land. Also, Our Polygamy

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The Secret of Ancestor Fields Farm Is Our Land. Also, Our Polygamy When our great-grandfather Seb Ancestor built Ancestor Fields Farm 140 years ago, he was guided by a vision of earth-borne food harvested and passed along to the consumer as naturally as possible. His original dream began with fresh grains and produce handpicked by one of his four wives, straight from Seb’s family to yours. Six generations later…

McSweenys 604 2024-07-10

Terrifying Warnings for the Gurgle-Goo Sleepytime Baby Swing

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Terrifying Warnings for the Gurgle-Goo Sleepytime Baby Swing The Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing from Gurgle-Goo is designed to float even the fussiest baby to dreamland. In just a matter of minutes, little ones will be snoozing, and frazzled parents will be sighing with relief. Before joining the thousands of happy, well-rested Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing users out there, be sure to glance at the safet…

McSweenys 678 2024-07-10

William Faulkner Does Pickleball

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William Faulkner Does Pickleball I stare at Linoleum Snopes across the net, hating him. “It don’t bounce proper,” I say. “It don’t hardly bounce at all.” He studies the service line at his feet, furious. The sun is hot. It don’t bounce proper. It just. “Eight-three-one,” he says. “You best back up some.” I don’t budge. I look back at Varse, my partner, daring him to boss me. He…

McSweenys 320 2024-07-09

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Been Like James Baldwin and Worked a “Black Job”

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If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Been Like James Baldwin and Worked a “Black Job” Like the rest of the deathcore band of Americans who live with perpetual nimbus clouds of trepidation over their hanging heads, I watched CNN’s presidential debate. I was hoping (which is a rare thing for me) that there might be a thin wisp of a silver lining tucked somewhere in the thick, dark gray. There was none, only a thunderclap followed b…

McSweenys 1.1k 2024-07-08

Relax, the Only People Panicking About Biden Are Political Insiders, the Media, and Literally Everyone Else

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Relax, the Only People Panicking About Biden Are Political Insiders, the Media, and Literally Everyone Else “Following the debate, the Beltway class is counting Joe Biden out. If we see changes in polling, it won’t be the first time overblown media narratives have driven dips in polls.” — Jen O’Malley Dillon, Biden-Harris Campaign Chair – – – Alright, everybody calm down. I know Joe Biden didn’t have the best debate performance. Or TV interview. Or ra…

McSweenys 898 2024-07-08

President Whitmore from Independence Day Debates His Challenger

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President Whitmore from Independence Day Debates His Challenger Originally published July 2, 2019 – – – The full transcript from the CNN Presidential debate between President Thomas Whitmore and challenger Governor Patrick Stevens. WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Welcome to the CNN debate for the 1996 presidential election. President Whitmore, let me begin by thanking you for saving our country and the entire world…

McSweenys 1.1k 2024-07-05

How I Imagine the Drafting of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Gone If the Founders Had Been Eating Buffalo Chicken Pizza

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How I Imagine the Drafting of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Gone If the Founders Had Been Eating Buffalo Chicken Pizza THOMAS JEFFERSON: Pizza’s here! BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What’s on this? Is this blue cheese? JOHN ADAMS: Can I have a piece with less blue cheese on it? JEFFERSON: Just pick it off. ADAMS: Can someone help me cut my slice into smaller pieces? JEFFERSON: Sure, John. ADAMS: It’s so spicy! JEFFERSON: Don’t be a wimp, John. You said you liked buffalo sau…

McSweenys 972 2024-07-04

Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Write This on the Tablet of Your Heart

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Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Write This on the Tablet of Your Heart When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she exp…

McSweenys 1.2k 2024-07-03

How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative on the Fourth of July

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How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative on the Fourth of July If someone’s go-to Fourth of July song is Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” they’re conservative. If their go-to Fourth of July song is “American Tune” by Paul Simon, they’re liberal. If it’s “This is America” by Childish Gambino, they’re liberal, and they’re not celebrating. If a man is wearing a graphic tee with George Washington riding a bald …

McSweenys 1.1k 2024-07-03

This Bar’s Not Normally Like This

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This Bar’s Not Normally Like This Hey, so great to see you! Sorry, the bar’s so crowded tonight; it’s not normally like this. Usually, you can grab a booth, no problem, but it looks like we’ll have to share a single barstool. Hope that’s all right. Normally, there’s live bluegrass on Sundays too. That’s why I picked this place, because I know you like the mandolin. But I guess F…

McSweenys 720 2024-07-03

Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July

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Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July Have a cookout The Fourth of July is a great opportunity to gather your friends and family outside and eat some burgers and hot dogs. On the land that you own, of course. Not on any other land, especially not any public spaces like parks or sidewalks, because it’s clear you didn’t spend money to purchase a deed, so what are you doing there? Bein…

McSweenys 1.2k 2024-07-02

Peri(menopausal) in Pink

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Peri(menopausal) in Pink Middle-aged Andie Walsh lives in a Chicago suburb with her underemployed and estranged husband, Mike, whom she can’t afford to divorce, because they both stupidly pursued creative careers instead of going into finance. That means their retirement savings are in the triple digits, he wears only dirty white tank tops, and she still drives the pink…

McSweenys 712 2024-07-02

Been There, Smelled That: The Delight of Smelling Rome by Night

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Been There, Smelled That: The Delight of Smelling Rome by Night Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making. – – – It was …

McSweenys 498 2024-07-01

Our Food Tells a Story

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Our Food Tells a Story When we first opened NEVERTHELESS, a West Village bakery rooted in my family’s rich traditions of Sardinian pastry and throat singing (cantu a tenóre), we had one simple goal: we wanted our food to tell a story. To bring the city baked goods brimming with the same love and passion we hold for the culinary traditions of our ancestors. We are prou…

McSweenys 899 2024-07-01